A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
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End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
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My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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