I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
