Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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