I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
