fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
