This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
