he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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