Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to