When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
