it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
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I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
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I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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