and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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