rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
BRING THE BAGELS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
