Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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