The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
