Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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