there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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