There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
