I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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