I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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