Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
