You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
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Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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