cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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