I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
