Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
