I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
