Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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