I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
