i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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