So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
