On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
