we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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