halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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