My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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