question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
