I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
