as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
