I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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