I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
