i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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