I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
