so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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