apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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