she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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