i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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