A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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