just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My brain says no but my pants say off.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
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i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
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Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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