Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
