i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Nicole vs. Life
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
