remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
