My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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