Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
