Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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