I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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