Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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