I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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